The day I found out about this pregnancy I can’t say that it was the most exciting time in my life. I cried for the first month it seemed and wonder how I would be able to take care of three kids, how was I going to cope with them all since I was already struggling with two. Of course I love being a mom and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I absolutely just love being around my kids but I do admit that some days are better than others and I do struggle with discipline and all the things I am sure other Moms do as well but sometimes it feels like it’s just me that has kids that don’t listen. Even when they have really upset me, all I have to do to soften my heart is look at their beautiful faces and I just melt, my heart just melts completely and I am forever grateful for those little angel faces.
So I think that there was times I was in disbelief perhaps that I was pregnant for the 3rd time in less than 3years. I don’t think it really hit me until we had to have our first ultrasound and that was already at 14 weeks. It wasn’t until that point when I saw a little person and heard the little heart beat that I was excited and felt happy, still nervous but started to get excited about having a newborn in the house. Everything was going well, besides being extra tired, I felt like I had never been this tired before in my life. Week 20th came along and we were due for another ultrasound to see how baby was growing and to measure and so on.
I remember going in with Chris for ultrasound and we were excited to see the baby moving and listening to the heart beat. I remember the Technician that was examining me was a male and I had him before with previous pregnancies and I remember thinking I would rather get a female technician. anyways, he did all the measurements he needed to do, but I noticed he kept going back to the heart, he gave no indication was wrong at all, I just notice he kept listening to the heart and wouldn’t check something else and come back to the heart. So eventually he said he was all done and Chris could come in and see baby moving and hear the heartbeat and so on. He said everything looked good and printed us a picture of the baby and sent us on our way. We had no idea or got any indications that there was something wrong with baby at all.
We came home and life just went on as usualy and I believe that it was the day after that our family Dr. contacted me and said she wanted to see me and made an appt for next day. So when Dr. saw me, I went by myself this time. She said that the ultrasound technician had notice something with baby’s heart, possibly Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I didn’t think much of it, she reassure me that it was probably just something they wanted to be sure and that they make mistakes all the time on how they read ultrasounds, but the ultrasound technician had suggested we get an ultrasound done at BC Women’s Hospital. She didn’t seem too concern about it and didn’t really explain what Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome meant and I didn’t really ask much because didn’t think there was much to be concerned about.
So our Ultrasound was schedule at Women’s about 2 weeks after talking to our family Dr. Chris and I went and we prayed that whatever the ultrasound Technician had seen was nothing to be concerned about. We went in feeling confident there was nothing really wrong but they just wanted to be on the safe side.
Once we got to BC Women’s Hospital, they set me up in a room with Chris and about three different Dr’s in the room and I just thought that was normal, they had to verify everything was OK. So once all of them were done looking at baby and baby’s heart. They took Chris and I to a meeting room where three Dr’s cardiologist specialist surrounded us and a special cardiac nurse and a counselor. I think this is when it really started hitting me that there might be something actually wrong??
The cardiologist/surgeon, Dr. Duncan started talking, explaining to us what the baby has and one of the options that’s highly recommended for this case called the Norwood procedure and he walked us through some diagrams on hearts and what this procedure would do and so on. I don’t think it was until this point where I broke down and it hit me, they actually did see something wrong with baby. I think I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all the stuff they were telling us. I was trying so hard not to cry in front of them, but it was an overwhelming feeling of emotions that came over me that I couldn’t control it. It wasn’t until that point that I saw Chris crying as well and that made me breakdown even more. They gave us a minute and another Dr. started to talk about what options we had or what options we had to choose from for this particular case. Of course they suggested termination of pregnancy and I remember saying to this Dr. That’s not an option for us, so don’t bother talking about that. She understood and went on talking about the other 3 options that were available to us. 1. a procedure called the Norwood which involved a series of three open heart surgeries within the first 3 years of child’s life. 2. a heart transplant and 3. compassionate care meaning you just let baby pass away without any intervention. I remember thinking the first procedure sounds like the best bet, but I was too overwhelmed with emotion that I wasn’t going to be able to make any decisions right than and there and they never expected for us to do so either.
Anyhow we came home, I remember getting a Subway sandwich on the way home from hospital, just because we were at the hospital so long almost the entire day, I couldn’t believe how long we had been there and emotionally drained I felt. I am sure I cried for at least half of the way home, but was probably still in disbelief or it hadn’t fully hit me or not really sure, just was emotionally exhausted. We went to pick up Hayden and Hayley at my parents house and I couldn’t wait to see them, I missed them so much. I wanted to and I thought I would be able to be strong and hold back any tears when we told my parents, but as we were coming to my parents place, my brother and sister in-law were leaving and of course they asked us how everything had gone and I clearly remember Chris telling them with a trembling voice, “The baby is missing the left side of their heart” I think the word “Missing” made me lose it and I started to bawl my eyes out and it took a while to compose myself to be able to enter my parents house and see the kids and not cry in front of them. Well that composure didn’t last very long, Chris was trying so hard not to lose it himself, but did really well at telling my parents and I started crying once again, it was like an uncontrollable feeling and I didn’t want to look at anybody in the face, I just wanted to bury my face in comfort which was Chris or hugging the kids at the time. My parents as always, took the news very well and all they could really say was that they would pray and things will work out.
Once we got home, we put the kids to sleep and both Chris and I sat in front of our computers and started to read about HLHS and what it was and statistics on kids with it and their life expectancy. We were also given a book with information about Children with Congenital Heart Defects. I read most of that info that night. Well I think it was about two days when I decided to stop reading anything about it. I was getting too depressed. Chris would come to bed at around midnight and would be crying because he continued reading stories and was overwhelmed by them. He even ordered a book called “Waiting With Gabriel” which basically is a story just like ours, except she choose to go with compassionate care for their baby, their baby only lasted 2hrs once he was born.
I started to read my Bible a lot more and actually felt better, I wanted to continue reading more and how God heals. I kept encountering so man passages that talks about God being able to heal the sick and came across the verse from Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This passage just gave me peace about things and made me realize that this wasn’t something anyone wants to have happen to them, yet I don’t think I ever asked “Why me” I figured this is an unfortunate situation and wouldn’t want to have happen to anyone. Someone told us that God picks special parents for children like this. I think that also helped me with coping with what was to come.
At the same time I prayed for God to heal the baby’s heart and make it whole, people are praying for us and our baby and that made me feel great and at peace.
I do have to admit that every time we went for an ultrasound, Chris and I would pray and say to God, it is all in your hands Lord, you know what we want to have happen and what’s in our hearts, but we are trusting you in everything to do with this baby, because you are the creator of all things. We would go into the ultrasound room and I kept waiting for the Dr’s to say there was nothing wrong anymore, that all they can see if a perfectly healthy heart for this baby. Well once we would leave the hospital we would say that it wasn’t God’s timing to reveal the miracle that this baby is.
This is our little precious baby at 27 weeks old:
This image was taken approx 6 weeks after we were told that our baby was diagnosed with HLHS. In easy terms to understand this condition, the left side of the baby’s heart is underdeveloped, meaning the left side can’t pump the proper blood to the rest of the body leaving the right side to try and do the work in which it is not possible unless there is medical intervention. This is something that nobody knows why it happens but it happens to about 2 out of 10,000 babies in the world. We don’t have any family history of heart problems on either side of the family, so not sure why it happened to this baby.
I think that everything happens for a reason and sometimes we will never understand what those reasons are, but our baby is so special, and is sooo loved and we are waiting for his/her arrival and I know that baby will do amazing things in our lives and the lives around him/her.
I already feel incredibly blessed with having two other children that are really healthy. This new baby is just another blessing to our family, that’s all I can see really is that all my three kids are amazing blessings from God. I am amazed how blessed I have been in my life, just coming from an awesome family and having a brother and a sister and parents that just love me unconditionally. And then to have found the one person that God put on this earth for just me is incredible and I don’t think that I could ever be thankful enough.
I feel soo blessed that I live in a country that provides endless possibilities and in a world that has come so far with their technology with medicine and everything really. Also the fact that we have an amazing medical system that will do anything they can to help, is incredible.