Back in Edmonton

So we are now back in Edmonton and it seems like it all happened in the blink of an eye.  Hudson and I were flown here via Air Ambulance yesterday morning and arrived in Edmonton around 4’ish.   They stabilized him quickly and he is doing much better, still continues to have the irregular heartbeats, but they are more under control since we arrived.

Yesterday, it all felt like I was just running on adrenalin and at the same time felt like in a daze.   I came home Thursday night to spend the Friday with the other kids from the hospital during the day, while Chris stayed with Hudson and I was to come out Friday night to relieve him so he can go home and be with the kids over the weekend.  Well as I was getting the kids ready for bed and go to Children’s, I get a phone call from the hospital saying “Your child is in distress and Dad is by himself, can the mom come here”  I will never forget those words and the feeling that came over me was beyond anxious.  I don’t even know how I made it to the hospital, just kept telling myself the entire way, God give me strength and get me there.  Of course the worst possible things go through your mind and your heart just sinks in and I just wanted to break down right then an there while I was driving, but somehow I kept it together and made it to the hospital.  I rushed into the PICU and they directed me where he was and I think I was shaking a bit inside but once I got there Chris was beside him and he seemed ok, Chris was Ok and the sense of relief came to me, but still had a breakdown.   Chris then explained to me what had happened.  Hudson’s heartrate had gone up 230’s and stayed there for over 2hrs, they had tried to put a bag of ice on his face to shock him and cause him to take a deep breath to come out of it, but that wasn’t working.  The tried to give him a shot of Adenosine but Chris kept telling him that he was resistant to that.  They then had to move him to PICU to give him some drug called Amiodarone to try and get him out of his fast heart rate.  They gave him a bolus shot (large dose at once) and after the 5th bolus he crashed and and his heartrate dropped to 30, and they kept him at 30-40 by doing manual compressions of his chest.  After a couple minutes, Hudson snapped out of it.  So by the time I got there he was pretty stable and looked ok.  Chris is thankful that I wasn’t there when that was happening, since he deals with things like that a bit better than I do. I just become an emotional wreck which probably doesn’t help the situation, but nonetheless I try to have composure but at this point I don’t care if I am crying in front of a million people.

So since the new drug that they started to give him to help with the arrhythmia’s didn’t appear to be help and after assessing the echo they did, the decision was very evident that they needed to send us to Edmonton.  The echo indicated that there was a lot of leakage coming from the tricuspid valve, which is not a good thing because it’s his only valve to his one and only pumping chamber having only half a heart.  The heart function was questionable in Vancouver from the echo, which forced them make the urgent decision to get together a team within 40min to get us to Edmonton as fast as possible.  We weren’t really understanding why he had to be sent to Edmonton even after asking a couple times.  Chris then asked, what options are in Edmonton that aren’t here?  Their answer was that there is the possibility for the need to have a heart transplant if the valve is as bad as they think and cannot be repaired… and since Vancouver doesn’t do heart transplants at this time Edmonton was the way to go.  When they said the word transplant I think I wanted to start bawling my eyes which I did once the team left, I think it has been one of my biggest fears with him having a unique heart anatomy.  I’ve always known that it has always been something to consider in the future, but never thought that I would be discussing that at this time in his life.  It is scary to me because I have come to know so many people that are waiting for hearts for their little ones and have been waiting months and months.

So just as they said, the air ambulance team was ready within 40min and they decided to intubate Hudson for the trip, which is an awful thing to see or have done and I know how much he hates it.  Once we got to Edmonton they decided to put an arterial line to take blood out when needed for testing and blood gases and so on.  Good thing about that is he doesn’t have to get poked every time they need blood work, which is a lot, like every 4hrs.  They have given him a drug to paralyze him as well as morphine and midazolam to settle him and keep him still, which looks extremely horrible and cruel and I just want to rip out every tube out of him and hold him, but also know that he needs it right now.  It tears my heart to see him like that, because he went from smiling and kicking his feet and talking up a storm and smiling big in response to ‘is that funny?’… to not being able to move at all and having a million tubes on him.  I have a hard time looking at his little face, i keep thinking he feels like how can you allow them to do this to me Mommy?, how can you?  But I have to, I have to let them do what is best for him and I ask God to give me strength to see him this way because it’s not him, it’s not my little baby, i want my smiley boy back,I want to squish him and kiss him and never let him go, this is sooo hard,  it feels like everything just intensified all of a sudden.  It sometimes doesn’t feel like I am really here, my eyes are swollen from crying so much and everything seems blurry which doesn’t help.  I am still coherent and understand what is happening and all the discussion we have had with the Dr’s.  They will be doing a special 3d echo tomorrow which will show clearer pictures of his valve and the function of his heart.  So far they have told us it looks like his heart is functioning well with a few hiccups which is a plus, but they do need to see if the valve needs to be repaired and we pray that it doesn’t and that his unique heart will continue to be part of him.

As for our two other kids who I am missing sooo much and can’t wait too hold them, are being taken care of by my parents and sister and Chris mom. I can’t ever be thankful enough for the time our family is putting in to take care of our kids and love them, I just can’t be grateful enough and I know even though I want my kids with me, I am at ease knowing they are safe with them.

For now all we can do is hold on tight and pray for Hudson’s recovery to be speedy and for God to be in control of it all which I know he is and he is what is holding us together.   The big decision making by the Dr’s will happen most likely on tuesday since that is when they have regular meetings with the Vancouver team.