Rough Week

Well, it’s been a tough week to say the least. Hudson has a pattern of having one really good day and the next day not so great. I guess we are expecting so much from him and want him well and ready to go home soon, but after all he’s had major open heart surgery one of the most serious surgeries and critical that’s ever been done to a human heart. I still haven’t been able to see his scar because it’s still covered and I might get really emotional when I do see it for the first time. i want to see it but at the same time I am scared to see it. Today was a tough day when I saw him this morning/afternoon. He got upset and started crying and his face turned bright red, but there was no sound and the reason there is no sound is he is still intubated so that blocks his vocal cords. I have never been so sad and I just wanted to grab him and hold him to try and comfort him but I couldn’t and the nurse and RT (respiratory therapist) came to try and comfort him and adjust his oxygen levels. It was almost traumatic seeing him so upset, they are slowly weening him off morphine and a drug called midazolam which is a sedative so they think he’s starting to feel uncomfortable and apparently every time they try to move him to his left side he gets really upset and his blood pressure drops and oxygen levels go low and heart rate also drops. They did an echo yesterday but they say they weren’t able to see much but they think that his left pulmonary artery is small and not allowing enough flow to the left lung. We will know more information on this hopefully tomorrow or by Monday.
I still haven’t been able to hold my little baby since he’s surgery last Thursday, It makes me so sad just to come to see him and not being able to hold him at all. Chris hasn’t been able to see him for the past two days because he’s been sick (probably from Hayden). I am usually with him from 10:00a.m to about 3:00-4:00p.m and come home to be with the other two kids and put them to sleep and after the two monkeys are fast asleep I go back to see him again. It’s been a rough 3 days though since Hayden has had some brutal bug, well we think he over ate some candy that he was given by some other kids and made him extremely sick, throwing up all night and diarrhea. So in between pumping milk and cleaning up throw up and diarrhea can’t say it’s been fun times. My mom also left yesterday back to Vancouver and even though my sister and mother in law are a great help, I still miss my Mom. So because Hayden has been sick for the past 3 days he doesn’t really want anyone else to be around him unless it’s Mommy and that’s super hard since I feel like I have to also check up on Hudson during the day, yet Hayden needs me because he’s sick and cries every time I leave him. Such a delicate balance and can only pray that this will pass fast and he will be back to normal and Chris will get better and we can take turns doing stuff.
I decided to take small break to type this since the kids went to bed early and at the same time which has been very rare. Now I am off to see Hudson with my sister and drop Chris’s mom off at her friends house. Chris will stay with the kids while they sleep. Hopefully tomorrow is a brighter day, I am sure it will be.